Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away. Grief is also a reaction to any loss. The grief associated with death is familiar to most people, but individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health or the end of a relationship.
It can creep up on you slow, or it hits you like a speeding rollercoaster, either way, it hits you, and it hurts. It fucking hurts.
Today, I returned a pair of cats that I had intended to adopt to their original owner. Lily had won me over from the first day I met her with her sweet and amiable nature, following me from room to room, even though I was there to see a completely different pair of cats. TheBoy, I didn’t get to meet truly until much later when I finally brought him home and won his trust.
Though I had intended to return them within the first week of taking them home, those two annoying but lovable furrballs continued to burrow their way into my heart, showing me all their different and adorable sides..
And when you look at a fat cute kitty doing this..
Can you really resist their furry charms?
I didn’t think so.
Days turned into weeks, and before I knew it, I loved them. I loved that Lily sometimes would groom me.. Which I thought was the weirdest thing ever.. I couldn’t believe it when TheBoy started jumping on me in bed and sitting on my chest, very similar to what my previous very much missed kitty, Cinnamon used to do. And when they both kneaded me, I knew both had “adopted” me..
And I kept delaying their inevitable return.. Hoping beyond hope that my parents would see these two beautiful kitties for what they are, and not just want pretty kittens.. That their two wonderful personalities, which were twice as endearing as they were annoying, would shine.. But alas.. They weren’t given a chance to show how truly lovely, sweet and loving they were..
And so here I lie, crying while I write this.
My chest feels tight and heavy, and I feel flashbacks from losing Cinnamon. They’re not as intense, but they’re there. The events of yesterday, when I witnessed the house cat, Latte bleeding and weak from a fight with a horrible neighbourhood cat just brought me to hysterical tears that I wasn’t even coherent when calling my sister to tell her that I had to bring our beloved baby to the vet.
I wasn’t ready, I am not ready to lose another cat, through death or otherwise..
A cat is an unexpected friend and comfort.. Cinnamon was comfort when two of my beloved relatives passed this year, so when I had to put my furry bestie to sleep, I was unconsolable. No matter how much I cried, tears would spring forth with the mention of his name, or if the thought of him passed through my mind. There was no one to comfort me. No soft purring or furtive glances or annoyed meowing to distract me from the incredible searing pain of grief I felt. Just like now.
I know it will pass. I know that in a series of tomorrows, I’ll notice less that they’re missing and that it’ll take less tears to pass the day. But for now, I am in so much pain. And I don’t know what to do.. But write.
I miss you all of you, my sweet sweet loves.
Cinnamon (2011 – 2014)